I bought my wife a “Bento” hot lunch box for Christmas (I did buy her other things too, including a romantic weekend away – i’m not a complete monster). It failed in it’s primary function – that of keeping food warm, so I wrote to the manufacturer, Aladdin. I have to applaud the customer services lady Sue, both for her help and also for refusing to be drawn in by what is, fairly obviously, the rantings of a madman.
—–Original Message—–
From: Mat Davis
Sent: 7 January 2010 10:55
To: Aladdin Customer Services
Subject: Defective Products
Dear Aladdin,
Firstly let me say that I am a great fan of your work, I have used your flasks and lunch boxes for many years and have always been very happy with them. I also enjoyed your pantomime and even thought that Disney’s animated documentary of your life had merit (though I did find some of the songs a bit cheesy).
However, on this occasion, I am afraid I have a complaint to make. I don’t usually write letters of complaint, but it’s quite cold outside and writing this will delay my journey out to the shops.
Last December I purchased one of your “Bento” hot lunch boxes as a Christmas gift for my wife. I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “what sort of man buys his wife of 14 years a damn flask for Christmas ? Surely jewellery, perfume or lingerie would be a more romantic and fitting gift for a woman who has tirelessly suffered the day to day challenges of living with a man who is certificated as 19% special needs ?”
Well, frankly I’m shocked that you would have so little faith in your own product, and also a little concerned that you are even thinking about my wife’s undergarments and would prefer that you don’t bring it up again. Anyway, previous year’s gifts have included a “Goblin Teas-maid” (something of a misnomer, as far as can I tell it only makes tea), a wind-up torch and a frying pan so I think I know best what she likes, and although she has always tried to hide her delight and maintain decorum, every one of these gifts has brought a small tear to her eye.
On Christmas morning, as I’m sure you can imagine, she was again struck dumb with delight when I presented her with your heat-retaining box of culinary joy. “Oh my darling” she said, when she had stopped crying, “now I will be able to enjoy food which has dropped to only 60 degrees from it’s initial 95 degree temperature over the course of as much as 5 hours !”. I would not be overstating her joy were I to describe it as “mild delight”.
It was a green 2-tier job by the way, I spare no expense when trying to convey my deep seated love for her and went straight for the top of the range model. I’m just that sort of chap.
So, it was with no small amount of excitement that I sent her out to work on Tuesday with a box full of steaming goodness.
When she returned home I waited with bated breath in the kitchen, expecting her beaming face to be filled with the love and appreciation that only “quite warm packed lunch” can bring.
“Well”, I said as she entered, “How was your hot lunch ? Is that the best thing you have ever been given or what?”.
“Well, I’m afraid it was actually stone cold”. She said.
“No !” I said.
“Yes, completely cold” she said.
Well, let me tell you Aladdin old chap, those words cut me to the bone. There I was thinking that I had given her the gift of hot lunch, when no, actually I had given her the gift of a green tub full of cold sludge. I could see in her eyes that I had slipped in her estimation, no longer “giver of warm sustenance”; now just “provider of bitter disappointment”.
I’m not certain what the long term damage to my marriage could be from such a catastrophic let down, but let me say this, I dialed 1471 on the phone when I got home last night and the number read back in a monotonous robotic drone was that of our solicitor.
I place a high price on the value of my marriage, as will be obvious from the £11.99 I spent at Dunelm Mill (which is actually a shop,not a Mill at all – weird) in purchasing said “insulated receptacle of misery” and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the damage.
“Taking homemade food on the go has never been easier or more stylish” – that’s what it says in the blurb on your website. Well, stylish it may be, but as for easy, you try telling my cat why daddy’s sleeping on the sofa – hardest conversation I’ve ever had, I swear at one point he looked up from licking himself and I could clearly see that he was already trying to choose between us. I gave him some cheese to try and win favour, but honestly I don’t know if it’ll be enough.
So, now I am putting the, somewhat tepid, ball in your court. What do I do now Aladdin ? Eh, what do I do now ?
Many thanks,
Mat Davis.
—– Original Message —–
From: “Sue Dyer”
To: Mat Davis
Sent: Monday, January 11, 2010 1:41 PM
Subject: RE: Defective Products
Good afternoon
Thank you for your recent e-mail which was sitting waiting for me after a long Christmas break. This is my first day back in the office and though a colleague of mine was answering some of my e-mails towards the end of last week things became very hectic in the office with many members of staff being off due to the very icy conditions.
We are sorry to hear that your Bento container is not working to yours satisfaction and will be happy to replace it for you free-of-charge though I have to confess this product will only keep your food hot up to 4 hours and is not intended for longer periods of time.
If you feel an identical replacement is not satisfactory we can offer you another product within our range that will keep your food hot forlonger.
Look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Regards.
Sue
Sue Dyer Customer Service & Sales Support
Aladdin | Stanley – brands of PMI
—–Original Message—–
From: Mat Davis
Sent: 11 January 2010 17:51
To: Sue Dyer
Subject: Re: Defective Products
Dear Sue,
Many thanks for your reply. I hope you had a good first day back from your long Christmas break.
I imagine you needed a long break to recover from the stress of having to listen to all those complaints from, I assume, thousands of husbands who have disappointed their wives with cold lunch.
I completely understand the difficulty of having to rely on colleagues to cover your work load while you are absent, I sometimes have to leave my cat (Jeffrey) to answer my emails while I am away. He tries his best, but to be honest, he lacks the opposable thumbs needed for most office duties and his heart’s not really in it. He’s had 2 verbal warnings and a written disciplinary, but you know how cats are. Sometimes I think he’s doing it on purpose just to mock me.
Again, no need to explain the problems of the icy conditions, it’s been pretty chilly here too since my wife turned off the heating, locked the cupboard where the boiler lives and moved out, taking the boiler cupboard key with her.
She is, apparently, now living with a 22 year old Spanish fitness instructor called Javier.
Thank you for your confession that this product will only keep food hot for 4 hours. I had to badger my wife for almost 3 years to force her confession that she has been having an affair with Javier. Admittedly, she has only known him for 2 weeks, but I feel it was the constant questioning of the last few years that encouraged her to confess.
I thought the web-site’s claims of “Keep food hot for up to 5 hours and cold for up to 4 hours (temperature of contents was measured from 95C to 60C for hot and 1.67C to 10C for cold, ambient temperature was held at 23C).” were a little extravagant.
I accept your apology, but I don’t think you should blame yourself for the breakdown of my marriage. Clearly, that is the fault of the designers and engineers who developed the product and the marketing department who made the outrageous claims of heat retention.
Do you make a product similar to this which keeps food hot for longer ? Some sort of cross between a flask and a lunchbox, but that actually keeps the food hot ?
At the moment, I am working around the problem of hot lunches by having Kentucky Fried Chicken delivered to my wife’s work everyday. My plan is two fold:
1. Deliver the hot lunch I initially promised with the gift of the Bento, thus winning back her affection.
2. Make her a bit chubby with all that fried food so that Javier finds her less attractive and kicks her out so that she comes back to me (being a fitness instructor, he is very shallow. Whereas, I won’t mind her being a bit chunky as I am a much deeper and more thoughtful person – as evidenced by my kindly fried food buying).
If you have a product recommendation which might help, I would be very
interested to hear it please.
I will be spending some time at the Library until the weather warms up, but I’ll be leaving Jeffrey in charge and he’ll forward your messages on to me.
Many thanks again, I look forward to your reply,
Mat.
—– Original Message —–
From: “Sue Dyer”
To: “Mat Davis”
Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 10:03 AM
Subject: RE: Defective Products
Good morning
We can recommend as an alternative product our 0.50L Slimline food flask
as follows:
Benefits:
Stainless steel vacuum insulation
Contents stay hot for up to 9 hours and cold for up to 12 hours
Folding spoon inside lid
Great for hot or cold food and soups
Colours: stainless steel or black painted
An image is attached.
Please let us know if this is suitable along with your full postal
address.
Regards.
Sue
Sue Dyer Customer Service & Sales Support
Aladdin | Stanley – brands of PMI
—– Original Message —–
From: “Mat Davis”
To: “Sue Dyer”
Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 12:42 PM
Subject: RE: Defective Products
Dear Sue,
You had me at “Folding spoon inside lid”.
That sounds fantastic.
Frankly, any women who cannot be wooed by collapsable cutlery is probably not for me, so if this doesn’t win her back I reckon I’m best off without her.
This is most certainly suitable.
My address is :
Mat Davis
XXXXX
Christchurch
Dorset
Very many thanks,
Mat.
P.S. Jeffrey says hi. Well, it was more of a Miaoooow, but I knew what he meant.
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The flask arrived last week, and, as suspected, the folding spoon is a thing of great beauty – Uri Geller can kiss my arse !
Mat's bloggy thing 