Inspired by the release of Tony Blair’s new book, I wanted to share a load of old bollocks I had written with him. Unfortunately, I don’t have Tony’s email address, but as I have already written it, an “open letter” to Mr Blair will have to do……
Dear Mr. Blairs,
Please allow me first to say how much I admire you and what you have achieved, both politically and personally.
I have never understood the criticisms of your detractors and I have always vehemently disagreed with those who claim that your signature wavy hair and fixed smile make you look a bit deranged “like a wavy haired chimpanzee on acid” (not my words, and certainly not my sentiment) .
I am writing to you today in the hope that you may be able to offer some advice on a most upsetting matter which I am facing on the home front.
In mid June I was alerted to the fact that a swarm of bees had taken up residence in a bush toward the end of my garden.
I suspected that this may contain the dreaded “African Killer Bees” that we hear so much about in the news.
Fearing for the safety of my children, I called the council, who then put me in touch with my local environment agency. I spoke to a fantastic chap there called Kevin (he had a slight speech impediment, which caused him to say his name as “David”, but I overlooked this and called him Kevin anyway as I did not want to cause offence by highlighting his disability).
A couple of days later “Kevin” visited me to investigate the impending threat. After some time spent examining the nest he concluded that there were no killer bees in the nest, just “conventional” honey bees, and that the safest option was to just leave the bees alone – they posed no significant danger to us if undisturbed.
While I had developed an enormous amount of respect for Kevin, I realised that he probably didn’t know what he was talking about, so, like any responsible parent, I ignored his advice completely.
The next day, I sent my 11 year old son to hit the nest with a stick.
A bee stung him in the face.
I cannot tell you how pleased I was to be proven right ! Clearly the bees posed a clear and present danger to the wellbeing of my family.
Just to be sure, the next day I sent my 8 year old daughter out to hit the nest, armed with a slightly shorter stick (to improve accuracy).
A bee stung her in the face.
Well, this confirmed it. The bees were obviously exhibiting the overtly aggressive behaviour which I knew they would, despite the “expert” advice given by Kevin/David.
I have read that, in scientific tests, bees have been found to show a greater level of intelligence than both monkeys and dolphins – I can’t find the article now but I’m fairly sure it was written by people rather than a bee, monkey or dolphin, and, as such, has the independence that we scientists require for validity.
You will notice that I refer to myself as a scientist. I do not want to be accused of misrepresenting myself, so for clarity, I shall explain the basis on which I have adopted the title :
- I own a lab coat. (it actually belongs to my wife, so it’s a bit snug, but I still “look the part”)
- I have been keeping a log of the bee activity and have produced charts and statistical analysis of the attacks. See below :
As can be seen from the above charts the sting rate is 100% – I am unaware of your scientific background, so please forgive me if this seems patronising, but in layman’s terms, 100% is what we scientists call “lots of bee stings”.
So, I think that clears up any doubt about my scientific qualifications.
Getting back to the matter at hand, combating what I now knew to be an enemy of great intelligence and sophistication, I had to “up my game”.
I found a new stick and sent my wife to hit the nest with it.
A bee stung her in the face.
Even to those without a scientific bent, such as yourself, a clear pattern was emerging – the bee attacks were on the increase. Drastic action was required, and my entire army had suffered injuries (all in the face too, which is nasty).
It was then that I began to think about the article comparing the relative intelligence of monkeys and bees. Although bees are more intelligent, perhaps they could be thwarted by a greater number of monkeys. I set about buying 2 monkeys.
You would not believe how difficult it is to buy a pair of monkeys with bee fighting experience in the UK. Even the internet could not help.
In true British fashion, I refused to give up. What the bees didn’t know was that I still had an ace or two up my sleeve.
Although highly intelligent, I doubted that bees were clever enough to tell the difference between a monkey and a cat wearing a Fez hat. So, I Sellotaped a Fez to each of my two cats, tied a stick to each of their tails and hurled them at the nest.
Bees stung them both in their hairy little faces.
Clearly, the bees were clever enough to tell that these were hat-wearing felines and not their more cunning simian hat-wearing cousins.
Incidentally, it transpires that an area set aside for bee hives is called an Apiary – pronounced “ape-ee-ary”. Clearly this is due to the high number of apes found in these areas – presumably hunting the bees (their only natural predator).
At my wits’ end, I phoned Kevin-Dave. I explained the situation and what had occurred since his visit. He said that he would be talking to the RSPCA and Social Services, which surprised me as I had no idea that they had expertise in bee combat.
The current situation is that I have purchased bee-keeping costumes for each of the family members and we wear them at all times when at home. Bizarrely, they do not make bee-keeping attire for cats, so I have fashioned protective helmets for them using some old net-curtains and one of those bucket-looking things that animals wear around their heads to stop them licking themselves after an operation. Unfortunately, the cats seem to find these uncomfortable and have become a bit withdrawn, but better this, than to have them stung in the face every time I throw them at the bees nest. Which is often.
Difficult as the situation is, I’m sure we are much safer than if I had chosen to blindly ignore the threat as suggested by Kev-Dave.
Anyway, I hope you see why I thought you may be able to relate to my situation – I have seen pictures of your wife and she has quite obviously been stung in the face a few times.
Regards,
Mat Davis
P.S. forgive any typographical errors – it is surprisingly hard to hit the keys in these bee-keeping gloves.
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